Zeni Geba
by Aconie
Summary: Akane, is the black sheep of a rich family. One day she falls in love with Futaro, a guy from a poor background, who is secretly obsessed with money. But she can't stop loving him and she's willing to help him achieve his mishievous plans. When he tells her he wishes she could just disappear, Akane grants his wish in the more permanent way possible. This is her suicide letter.


Author's note:

This letter was inspired by Zeni Geba, an amazing drama based on a japanese manga by George Akiyama. If you didn't watch it yet you really should. The story and acting are beautiful, and have basically nothing to do with the story I wrote... Well, at least it's just a fantasy I had about what Akane could have felt and done before she killed herself, since originally we see the story through Futaro's perspective, and as I love Akane's character I thought it could be interesting to try to show her's.

PS: I'm not anglo-saxon so don't mind the awful spelling, grammar and all the others mistakes I don't even realize I made.

 **Disclaimer** : I don't own this drama or the manga from which this story comes.

* * *

My dear

I understand. Believe it or not I do.

From the moment I saw you, really saw you on that boat... The sweet and familiar bitterness in your smile. It made my stomach turn. Even now it still makes me shiver.

For the first time in a while, I forgot the pain: I was captivated by yours.

At that moment the ground could have fall apart that I wouldn't have turned away.

The others repeat constantly that you have no feelings: a man of steel, a heartless man they say...If they only knew... That day you showed me what only a few can see, once you put down the mask, cause you know you've won and your prey has become powerless... Like me on that boat.

And what did I see than ?

You were burning inside.

I allowed myself to be burned by you and though I can't say it didn't hurt, God! How I enjoyed it!

You see, when you've suffered as much as I did, at some point the pain is replaced by a void. You filled my nothingness that day. You became my whole universe.

So congratulations, you won.

But not today, not now that I'm about to do the ultimate sacrifice.

No you won since that smile. A smile with only tooth, so white I was blinded a second that felt like an eternity.

You won with those eyes, the only part of you, you can't hide, you don't need to. It's funny how it is said that people have to be looked in the eyes, cause though we fix them we never really see what they are telling.

We only see what we want to see in other peoples eyes: we see our own reflections.

Me ? I saw love in your eyes; or at least not the too familiar rejection I was daily faced with. I saw sympathy and even some times desire... Those were the only times I was right. But it was not desire directed to me was it ? No, it was desire for what you could get from me, for what you were expecting from everyone, it was desire for the only true god nowadays : money.

I wish...

I don't know anymore. I just wanted to see you happy...

No that's not true! I knew you would never be, ... You will never be.

You are too much like me, that's part of why I love you, you could never have found happiness.

For our kind, the only happiness left is to see the world burn.

What I wanted was you, only you.

Your whole self to belong to me, and never let you go.

But that was not meant to be. You had decided a long time ago you wouldn't let it happen.

Now I don't expect pity or regret, I'm aware that you know neither of them. This is just a last confession, the reaffirmation of my devotion to you.

I want to thank you even though you don't care. I know you don't, but perhaps when your are at the top of that tower you built around yourself, you'll find amusement in this.

You gave me everything I needed, it would be rude to ask for more, but I'm a spoiled rich girl. I've always been.

I'm doing it because I'm selfish, because I want you to know I did it for you. It has never been for me, since you entered in my life I have been more selfless and selfish than ever before, how is that even possible?...

I'm doing it because in the end I know you want me to, and you know me: always happy to help!

I would do anything for you. Those aren't just words and today I'm proving it.

I know you must be smiling at this point, fair enough. How foolish can I be ? You must think. After all, ending my life isn't such a feat since my life isn't worth much anyway. But that's all I have to give you. It's my whole self, body and mind, I present at your feet.

I'm not scared. I'm not sad. Since I've made that choice I'm finally at peace.

How wonderful can you be? You gave a sense even to my death!

The mere thought of you gives me strength, how could I be scared now ?

I could never repay you even by being your thing, your toy all my life, so I'll spare you the chore of getting rid of me. I would never stand in your way. That's the least I can do, trust me, you would have gotten bored with crushing me. This is much more helpful, you'll see...

You'll read this I know it, if only to erase any proof leading to you.

I'm enjoying this, but not so much to reconsider, don't worry.

My last wish is granted: right now you see me, you have to. I wonder, do you still see me as ugly ? Are you surprised ? That I loved you and admired you even though I knew your true self ? Do you even care ?

Guess I'll never know...

I kiss you from these lines, this soft paper in your hand is my skin you hold, the ink is my blood. I won too, you can't take from me this last embrace, my feelings for you.

I gave you everything willingly when you never considered asking.

I'm yours. The money you love so much, or rather your own mind-blowing, life-ruining obsession, cannot erase that.

You wanted to prove money could buy anything. You were wrong. Unlike you, I've always had more than enough of it. I never felt hunger it's true, but I never felt fulfilled neither. It's only what it is: a piece of paper.

You can't eat nor drink it. It cannot hold you in its arms like a mother would, nor kiss you like a lover: it's cold and soulless, kind of like the image the others have of you. But not me, never.

Money means nothing. It's stupid people like my family that feeds from it. It's the big failure that is society that stands on it, and it's the desperate and broken people like you that yarn for it.

Lack of money may have killed your mother, the only person you had feelings for, but can't you see that the possession of money killed many men too ?

It could never bring you happiness. See for yourself, look at the kingdom of ruins surrounding you and think about what money did for you.

I know you won't listen but it won't stop me from trying. Don't ruin yourself.

You are rage, passion and war brought to life on this dull earth and that's good, but if you persist on pursuing money you'll lose all that.

You'll live in fear, in pure paranoia of every one and anyone. You'll accumulate money without never using it to never ever lose a single bit of it, and one day all that would be left, is a pile of paper at your feet, grown so much you'll suffocate because of it and throw yourself from the nearest window to escape, unable to stand it any longer...

Don't lose who you are, what you've done and don't ever forget. It's fine.

But please, for your own sake, find another goal than money for itself. You are worth so much more. You are capable of so much more.

You could destroy this masquerade of a life and expose to everyone the hypocrisy of the world.

Get revenge on those who hurt you by finding true happiness. Don't play their games and lose yourself in the process.

I'll support you if... Well that is, if there is something after death...

It would be fun, don't you think? Unlikely, but fun all the same.

I don't mean much to you, you've made it clear, so there's no reason you'll follow my advice, but try to find some wisdom in it even so...

Everything is so quiet now.

I've said everything I wanted to say, at least everything I though of, and yet I want to tell you some more.

Don't think I'm trying to get more time, the rope is ready, attached to the chandelier in our room. Well, "my room" since you never shared it with me...

I've put on my best outfit, silly I know, but it will spare some expense for all the fuss about the funeral to come, and I wanted to go with some kind of...mm... _Panache_?

I guess I just feel so close to you right now, more than I ever did and I want to bathe in your presence a little longer.

Alone in this room I don't feel lonely at all. This letter, far longer than I intended it to be, (sorry, I wasted your time till the very end, didn't I ?) has in some way allowed me to take a part of you with me. So when I go, a part of you, a small part, will die too...

I didn't though of that...but I guess it's okay, you don't need it. I sense it's that one part that held what you could have become : a husband, a father, a loved man...

But it's gone.

At least in a few seconds it will be...

Now I'll die. For you, with you. Because you are the man I choose to love.

Goodbye.

Yours sincerely, Akane.


End file.
